The Journal of Ice Blue

Over 13 months ago

2007-08-24T10:59:39Z

Over 13 months ago, I left this blog behind. I left my city and state and country behind.

I had already left people behind, it happens all the time.
I left stuff, mostly clothes, paintings and books.
And for most of that time, I thought life might continue to move for me, but not for anybody else.
I would exist in my South Korea bubble, and when I returned it would only be a little while after I had left.

I hate it when I get like this. My vision starts to double, and I can't feel anything (that's not really unusual). All my worries and regrets start to spend time around my eyes. What is that?

In this past year, my best friend finished Graduate School.
He got a job that could become a career.
The girlfriend I had visited me, left, and broke up with me months afterward.
Another girl was already finished with me, but we still couldn't get the other out of our heads.
It seems this has slowly decayed our love for each other.
Tiny mistakes and misunderstandings shatter people.
I'm going to stop drinking so I can understand everything.
My brother's wife had twins shortly after I got here.
They turned one while I was home for vacation.
He broke his collar bone a few days ago. Holy shit.
I cried a few times here, but mostly because I was watching Finding Neverland.
I spent an inordinate amount of time talking about my ex-fiance, for no very good reason i could pinpoint.
one of the people I thought was a good guy ended up getting picked up by the cops as an internet stalker.
I don't really understand why he (or anyone) would do such a thing.
I made and broke friendships.
It seems as though this happens, and far too much.
Just when I believe I have begun to understand how my life ought to be lived, I fuck up another friendship.

Yeah I'm sorry. But I'm tired of that. So I'm about three clicks from becoming a truly heartless bastard.

Hemispheres

2006-04-27T17:07:43Z

Okay, so a few bits of good news...

the book is back up and running. In the works let us say. I'm glad that it was able to sit, starving, like a wretched and diseased animal, for so long. And it didn't die when I neglected to feed it. It's padding along beside me again, taking me along with it on paths I've never tread. I like that.

I'm a little afraid that it's going to get away from me, that it'll become something larger and more frightening than I can control while I'm not paying attention. We still have along way to go though. Cross your toes for me.

Big news...

I'm heading to South Korea to teach children to speak english. HA! Blindsided you didn't I? Actually I'll be teaching them American English, not that bollux they have over in actual England. So phooey on you if you headed west. I'm heading so far west it's actually east. The land of no forks is only weeks away.

Good news is that two-way airfare starts at like 750$. For those who are interested, I'll be saving up to front people half the airfare.

I'm going to be in touch by e-mail and this blog, quite a bit. If I can get a replacement battery for the digital camera, I'll be posting a lot of digital images on my website. It'll be hasty work, shoddy, because I'll be spending lots of time teaching kids how to play Simon Says and I Spy. And other wonderful stuff.

That's it for now. Take it easy everybody. I'm out (not out of the country yet, but soon).

The question of the soul

2006-04-16T01:53:00Z

Once upon a time people had souls
Before they traded them for dollar bills and wireless phones
They walk around eyes open and still bump into things
Work their souls out, or drink them out
You can see it too
Look for those lines around the eyes, pinching them up
Or under and around the mouth
Those craggy dead lines from too much concentration
and the soul leaking out
their most vital parts sink into their stomachs
or ooze out through fake lips
a thousand ways to be rid of it

here's mine:
all the feelings drain away from my face
slack like dough with too much water,
almost runny
and I stare out through eyes dead to everything
all sensation disappears
no magical glitter dust,
just plain gray smudgy dirt settling onto my soul
it's so difficult to dust it off.
sounds are peripheral, muted
my responses just preformed stereotypes
the pain settles into my legs, feet,
and the spots where those dark circles are
under my lifeless eyes
It's like I'm crying, but all the tears
settle into my chest, pressure builds
and no amount of screaming will reclaim what I've lost.

website

2006-04-12T11:08:06Z

so the website is on the net. it is not complete yet, some things inexplicably didn't make it. But you should go and check it out, marvel at my insane abilities with flash and html. OOooooohhhh.

www.TheMeske.com

ps- pages can take a long time to load. be patient.

It is not

2006-04-05T14:43:41Z

This is not about giving up, or giving in. This is not about memory, of all the things I miss or how I've mismanaged today. It is not about failed relationships or the jealousy restricting speech away from my throat. It's not about four years gone, or three years of quiet desperation and three months of frenzied follow through. It's not about the guilt. I don't feel any.

This is not about my job. It's not about my writing. It's not about all my professional qualifications. And this is not about bowling, or drinking, or trying to push aside the world for a few hours a week.

And god damn, it's not about my coworkers fucking my managers. It's not about living in a shoe box of a room with no place to put my clothes. It's not about the loss of inspiration that causes me to make less and less artwork with each passing year.

It's not about being a quarter century old, in two months, and the feeling of failure that one might assume comes with that. I'm not getting old, I'm growing older.

This is about the tight feeling in my chest, the hot resonance of loneliness invading my body. It's about my hands hurting, and my eyes hurting from grinding my palms into them. It's about not wanting to see, and not wanting to cry. It's about the way my chin folds up right before I have to strangle the tears away. This is about my friends, those I call and those I don't. It's about putting on a brave face, that hard plastic that melts and molds every time I manage to laugh.

I don't want this. I don't want you calling up and telling me it's going to be okay, just carry on. I don't want anybody praying for me. I don't need a shoulder to wet with the sum of my failures and fears. I'm putting all of this down inside, I'm saving it for a rainy day. If that makes me insane, so be it. I'm going to use all this to crash forward, clumsily or at a good run.

Giving up

2006-04-02T17:14:05Z

On a scale of one to hopeless, my life now rates at a seven.

icebluesilence @ 2006-03-20T23:36:00

2006-03-21T04:44:51Z

welcome ladies and gentlemen,

I haven't posted in some time. Like I said at the beginning of this journal, I never do well at these things. It is for the same reason I don't have a library card, or that I don't like to rent movies. I don't keep up with this kind of crap.

Anyhow, here's what's up. I've just seen V for Vendetta for the second time in three days. It is the best movie I'll see all year. Xmen III nothing. Go see this movie. Laugh and cry. Hope that it wins an Oscar for best picture. Hope that Hugo Weaving wins an Oscar for best actor. Or enjoy the story, one that should remind us that soon we will live in something other than a democracy, something we already fear and something we should rebel against.

On a more personal note, my finances still suck the big fat one. I careen (sp?) deeper into debt while attempting to live my life. I work, and I believe I work hard. My book is on hold. My website is slowing down, but nearing completion. I hope soon there will be a link here soon.

If someone could hand me five thousand dollars, I feel confident that everything would turn around. Start a fund, not that I deserve it.

My soul slips away from me with every paycheck placed into my hand by an employer I despise, working with people who are nothing but their jobs.

I know that was a run-on sentence, but as I've written as much as I have, I feel I may butcher the english language at my leisure. Peace.

icebluesilence @ 2006-03-12T13:54:00

2006-03-12T19:09:02Z

hey kids,

I haven't posted in a long time, so here's a little update on how my life's going!

It SUCKS! YES!

Aside from bowling night, and my current lady (who, for some bizarre reason absolutely worships me), life is fucking terrible. Here's the smiley emoticon =)

I got my last rejection letter from the agents I sent to, so that's good.

And I've been writing a book I think is really strong, but even my bookish friends won't give it the time of goddamn day, so that's good.
(very good for the confidence)

I've been e-mailing and mailing out my teaching papers to anyone and everyone in the continental US. They tell me to get online and fill out their online application, so I've done that, an hour and a half apiece. No replies on that, so that's good.

I've been working a lot, at both jobs. So I've been exhausted lately, and that's good.

I think perhaps good and evil have flipped, and the world is upside down. Tonight perhaps I'll go and see those Southern Hemisphere constellations on the little walk I need to take to clear my head, down to detroit, where I can kindly ask someone to put a knife in my ribs. Hell, if they'll take cash, I'll even pay them.

The Big F

2006-02-25T02:36:41Z

Fuck women and their needs
Fuck work and its hypocrisy
Fuck this city and its stagnation
Fuck this room and all my stuff

Fuck these tears rolling down my face
And definitely fuck this thing closing up my throat
Fuck my coworkers and their affairs
They're fucking each other anyway
Fuck big business (fuck big oil too)
But most of all fuck the last two thousand
Years of fucking history, without which I wouldn't exist

Fuck love in its pink-hearted teddy bear ass
Fuck lust and all the fucking insecurities
Fuck god, or the idea of him anyway,
Since he doesn't fucking exist

And fuck the burning Bush who speaks for him
For that matter, fuck government
Fuck materialism while we're at it
And for the money, fuck this list:

Commercials and sports and actors, and their celebrity spouses,
And soap operas and television and diet shakes
and golf courses and one-way streets and
racists and bible-beaters and cigarette manufacturers.

Fucking poem.

Money.

2006-02-23T23:02:46Z

This is slowly breaking me. Dollar bills and a sad cyclone of numbers.

The Week In Review (plus track 2)

2006-02-23T17:40:22Z

FInished the second track of the book today. Excited about the possibilities of this one. A hundred pages in. Hoping I can keep it going strong in the coming weeks. It's going to be tough because I haven't been able to make my bills very well lately.

Here's the rundown of the week so far.

Saturday- stood out in the bitter cold during the first half of the day working for a church I no longer attend. Second half of the day, worked at the meat department.

Sunday- went out with Meghan to the mall, enjoyed that, gamed in Westland for a couple of hours.

Monday- interrupted from a beautiful relaxing day off when a coworker called to let me know I was an hour late to work. Suck.

Tuesday- worked again. work sucked. Bowling night came, and I was so pissed from work that it completely ruined my fun. Whacked the guard thing that comes down to protect the machinery, that sweeper doodad. Got a talking to from the bowling alley people. Got even more pissed.

Wednesday- worked all damn day. Wasn't even able to appreciate the nice weather.

Thursday- no work today. Going to pick up my paycheck at work in the vain hopes that it'll be over a hundred and fifty bucks (nice wish). Deposit this in the bank, and I'll still have to wait for my subbing paycheck tomorrow before I can pay off my student loans, which'll be late.

Tomorrow- work. No plans for friday night because I don't have any money.

Saturday- work.

Sunday- work.

Good news though. I'm booked for the entire next week at elementary schools, teaching autism classes and Cornerstones, a 3-4-5th grade mix class. That'll be on top of working at the meat department.

I'm tired. And a little sad. But whatever. Life goes on.

icebluesilence @ 2006-02-20T20:22:00

2006-02-21T01:24:57Z

Attention employees and management:

It occurred to me that I don’t smoke, and that the majority of my coworkers do. One of those little things that started to bother me was the incessant smoke breaks, the kind of breaks I’m not privy to.

I did some math.

2 smoke breaks a day (a truly generous number)

Multiplied by 5 days a week

Muiltiplied by 50 weeks a year (factoring in vacations)

The number week come up with is 500! That’s a lot of smoke breaks!

But wait…

At 5 minutes per smoke break (another generosity)

That is 2500 minutes,

Or a whopping 41 and 2/3 hours.

If you were to assume that these smokers made about 10 dollars an hour (which is an underestimation, I believe), that would mean they’re cheating the company out of 410 dollars a year, give or take. This number could be far higher.

That’s just one person, too!

So, while I’m seeing incentive programs for smokers, the 250 dollars the company is shelling out per person to get rid of the problem, what I’ll ask is this: what about those who don’t?

Are we to blatantly ignore the 250 dollar bonus we’re not receiving?

Are we to ignore the thousands (that’s not even an exaggeration) of dollars that are being wasted?

Are we to overlook the time when the non-smoking workload increases?

Are we to perk up and say we’re not okay with our coworkers smoking on the job, and end a whole bunch of good working relationships?

Should we keep our mouths shut and watch our coworkers take liberties with their hours?

Should we take liberties with our own minutes, wasting even more company money?

Love'n Bowl

2006-02-15T16:13:54Z

What's more frustrating than heading to a bowling alley and knowing that the girl you're dating is fiending for a cigarette, in the one place she usually chain smokes? How about when she gets absolutely loaded for the second time in a few weeks? That's a helluva time, I tell you what.

But there's good news. Everybody had a great time at bowling, myself included. Soon as I took off my glasses and started bowling blind, I started throwing strikes. After half a pitcher of beer, I loosened right up, and everything was all good.

Maybe rum is a deceptive drunk. Maybe it's easy to lose track. I don't know.

PS- where the heck did the color picker thing run off to? This new toolbar looks fine and all, but what the deuce?

How you remind me

2006-02-14T06:17:36Z

I fell asleep today with my socks on
under purple, under grey, under black
and all the colors of three thirty in the afternoon
I perused music today, system of a down, clutch, nine inch nails,
breathed in Houses of the Holy,
she is the sun, I am the east.
I found dryer sheets in my laundry today,
ankle socks amongst the soccer socks
hair on my pillows, all of it mine
wanted to walk in the park, tell stories,
eat pitas, imagine possibilities in perfect eyes,
hate family, or at least pretend.
needed to smile, hoped I could but it didn't seem to work.
reminiscence, there's loss, blind adoration,
plans completely fucked
so I slipped into bed with my socks on,
with my thick pillows, mattress on the floor
in my cramped closet of a room,
and dreamed of you.

Weekend update.

2006-02-12T17:14:04Z

It's been a while since I've been on here with the purpose of telling the planet about my life. I don't know that my life is significant enough to warrent note here, but whatev. For the sake of my own memory, and my own ego, I'd like to record a few things.

Lots of financial trouble right now. Have been in the red twice now with regards to the checking account. I vowed it wouldn't happen again the first time, and I failed that. Been going out too much, spending money I don't have. Needing to focus on working more. Have been trying, though my job doesn't seem to be on the same page.

Received four out of seven rejections on query letters thus far. Looking forward to three more before I rewrite the query letter and mail another batch.

All responses from resumes sent to school districts have been aggravating. First I e-mailed my resumes, as you may recall from previous posts. Frustratingly, they told me to mail my documents to them. Now, having mailed the documents, I get a bunch of e-mails telling me to fill out an online application, requiring at least and hour and a half per application. I feel as though I've grown a tail, and am chasing it.

As stated earlier, I finished the Dreamslayer novel, and was going to take a break from writing in order to work on a Flash resume/portfolio/etc. It only lasted four days before I needed to write again. I've written over 50 pages this week, in addition to working every day except saturday. Flash is on the wayside now, but I'll pick it back up.

I'm inside my own head so much lately that it becomes difficult to follow people who are talking to me. I get on so many mental tangents that it is impossible to concentrate on what they're saying. It doesn't help that very often I don't feel like these people have anything worthwhile to say. I feel bad about that.

That's it. I haven't talked to anyone lately due to various reasons. I haven't run because the weather has been absolute crap. Haven't gone out because no money, though I did head out to Jon Steele's birthday party, and that was cool. Even though I suck.

Track 1 of the new book is finished, and I'm about to send it out. As the Marines say: Hoo-ra!

ultimatum.

2006-02-04T14:27:08Z

Pleading has not worked. And my parents' threats have not worked. They never carry through on the threats. So when I stayed up last night watching 'Four Brothers', which turned out to be an excellent flick, and my little sister wasn't home, I got upset.

My sister got in last night at least 2 hours after curfew expired. (in the last yelling match, 1 hour was 'very late') It wouldn't be a problem about when she gets in, ever, but she's made some downright questionable choices. These are:

-Drinking heavily. She's 19. Hell, drinking at all.
-Heading to Canada, drinking heavily, and needing her friends to come get her from Michigan.
-Heading to Kalamazoo to hang out with a friend (girl) who couldn't be found...instead spending the weekend in a house full of guys. 19 year old girl, no car, 3 hours away from home, bunch of guys...that is a porno plot, boys and girls.
-Leaving her Livejournal open so my parents could read all about said drinking.
-Being quite emotional over a man who may/may not deserve any such attention. They'd been broken up a long time. Apparently it takes a long time to heal. Whatev. Did I mention very emotional?
-Spending more money than she has, provided by the parents. Then she turns around and shows them this serious lack of consideration.
-Staying out late, real late, with people who we don't know, we've never known, and who we're expected to trust. My sister's never been what you would call real tough. She never took karate, she never got into hockey. I don't think she's ever been in any fights. So when you think 'she can take care of herself', you really have no idea if that statement is true or not.
-not calling, telling where she's at, who she's with, because these types of things have landed her in questionable company before.
-throwing curfew back in my parents' faces. Like a 14 year old rebelling.

If you're my sister, you might be thinking, what's the big deal? The big deal is that the rest of her siblings are male, and can't get pregnant. None of us, at least outright, drank before turning 21. We didn't drag a number of complete strangers into the picture to top this off. Or if we did, we were long gone at college where no one could question our impaired judgment. I made my college mistakes, paid for them, learned from them, and now I'm back under my parents' roof.

So my parents are concerned about her. They're more than concerned. These are folks that never had a good time when they were youngsters, when television was a new craze and they were weaned on it. They didn't party, or drink. The only time this happens is socially, with my aunts and uncles! But sister wants to do what she wants to do. So she does it, despite the screaming matches, despite the tears on both sides. I don't know if she can't figure out that the rest of the people in the house have feelings, or if she doesn't care that she'll get yelled at.

For my money the easiest way not to get yelled at is to follow the FUCKING rules. And if you can't do that, get out. So this morning I yelled at her. She called me 'dad'. That's fine. If she needs another father to get her to begin to act like the grownup she wants to be, so be it. If that won't work, she can be a grownup on her own.

Being a grownup means taking responsibility for yourself. It does not mean forgetting that everyone else exists, or shirking other peoples' rules. You don't turn 21 and start breaking the law because you feel like it. If you do that, and the law catches you, you get put in your place. Why is the house any different?

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she pulls this crap again (not calling, coming in after curfew and NOT CALLING) I was going to throw her shit onto the front lawn, and she could pack it up in someone else's car because I'm taking the keys, which are my parents'. Then, she could go live some other fucking place.

I don't think she took me seriously. I don't think that was wise.

PS- telling someone you're going to be somewhere, then allowing ten hours to pass, your curfew to expire, and not calling, is not sufficient.

Sweat in my eyes

2006-02-02T01:18:09Z

I finished my book a couple of days ago. It's a tainted victory because, yes, it was nearly 400 pages in Microsoft Word (or 109,000 words, which is way different in book form). Sure, I wrote in just over two months. And yes, it's probably the most solid piece of work i've ever come up with.

But let's do a little math... 8 x 7.50 is 60, or we'll say 50 for the sake of ease. 50 times 4 is 200, or roughly my student loan payment every month. So let's just forget about the other stuff, like my car insurance, car payment, health insurance, cell phone, credit card, gas for the car, eating, and other tiny, unimportant expenses.

I haven't been running enough. Like not since friday or saturday. But that is about to change. Because I need to get out of this funk I'm in.

Track 11.

2006-01-30T21:10:02Z

Nearing the end. Track 11 is the climax. Spurted out another 15 pages. Time to wrap up the book. Time to move on, after a short break.

Nearing 400 pages. Won't get there, most likely. Ah well. High five.

watch me shine

2006-01-27T18:25:01Z

finished track 10. very short. One scene really. Picking up speed. Need to get ready for the next book. Two tracks to go. Probably won't make it to 400 pages. Ah well.

Low Five.

track 9. book.

2006-01-26T21:59:12Z

Did not figure on finishing this track in one day. wrote/copy-pasted-edited 18 pages today. Thinking I could use a break before I start on the next track. I knew it'd be shorter than the rest but whatev.

High five. Rock out.

USPS is my friend

2006-01-23T22:44:01Z

Did 20 bucks worth of copying and mailing today. Seven resumes out to places like Las Vegas, Missouri, Connecticut, Maine, and elsewhere. Seven query letters out to prospective literary agents. Hopefully they're all real, and will be really actually interested. Then I can make the choice.

It would be nice to get job offers too. Somewhere in the united states would be good.

That's all to report. Track 8 of current book is moving along nicely. Hoping to finish tonight or tomorrow.

Take it easy everybody.

Pages in a book.

2006-01-20T20:14:26Z

I'm printing out all of my work right now, everything I've been up to for the last two years or so. It's taking a long time, because Eastern doesn't like me to print more than 25 pages at a time, and I'm up over 1200 pages.

I found a toothbrush in my bathroom the other day, with a paper cup wrapped around the bristles. I tossed out my old toothbrush and started using this one. It made me sad.

I found that my blanket is coming apart, and I have no idea how to sew it together.

I found a glue gun in my house. It's not mine, but I don't know where to mail it to.

I found some photographs on my computer, so I headed into iTunes and made up a list of songs. That way I can feel sorry for myself.

I went for another run. The most recent in a line of many.

Things aren't bad. They're just not great. These reminders make me not hungry, like there's something in my stomach already that's not giving me any sustenance.

Track 7

2006-01-15T19:07:44Z

Track 7 of the book was finished about ten minutes ago. High five. I'm very excited to be moving through this quickly.

The Book - Track 6

2006-01-10T16:27:49Z

Finished Track 6 (Intoxication) of the current book (Believe by Disturbed) at around midnight last night/this morning. Feeling good. Lots of ideas for the Audioslave book. Halfway through this one. Huzzah.

Plus I just ran. Tired but okay.

BOWLING NIGHT TONIGHT. HOORAY.

2006

2006-01-05T18:26:19Z

So far I've been running my 3 to 3 1/2 mile loop every other day. I've been keeping up with it very nicely. Not sure if I've lost any weight yet, but that doesn't matter. Before things get hectic with working two jobs again, I'd like to get in the habit.

Book is moving slowly, but that's okay. I'm hoping for the end of February as a finishing date.

New idea for a book is surfacing. The trouble is I'm not the biggest fan of Chris Cornell's voice. I can't understand more than a few things he's singing.

Oh yeah, bowling night on tuesday was a BLAST. very enjoyable. Looking forward to this coming tuesday.

All in all, the things I've wanted to put out of my mind, all of the memories happy and sad, all of the experiences that 2005 had to offer, they're gone for right now. I'm moving ahead instead of falling behind.